Why I Don't Write Publicly

For the last couple of years, I have struggled to find meaning in my life. I was jumping from different tasks to new skills, entering unrelated industries while drawing in the ocean of unlimited optionality.

I thought it was on me to find my life task by randomly experiencing (un)predictable life circumstances.

I struggled for years to realize that life has already given us a task, and it’s questioning us daily under our unique meaning.

The closer I am to God, the closer I am to acting responsibly toward life examination.

It’s becoming clear to me what my answer should be.

I must accept it. Surrender to it.

And act diligently.

Enough of philosophy, Angela. Just tell us. What it is.

Why, then, for the sake of God, I don’t do more of it?

That’s a good question.

Let’s explore a couple of limiting beliefs and fears I hold about my writing:

We all know that English is not my native language, but since I want to be a global citizen, I must write in English. I am not trying to escape this by writing in Serbian and translating it into English. I am actually looking forward to writing exclusively in English. At the end of the day, writing is not the biggest problem; apps like Grammarly and Hemingway can solve many of my writing challenges.

I am still struggling to fight back against this belief. I truly think you must live in English speaking environment if you want to speak eloquently at a high level or at least live in a community that speaks native English only. We are talking here about excellence, not some average 8th-grade broken vocabulary with an Eastern European accent. I need to be well-articulated so that my message can be adequately received. Writing could endure a lack of native English-speaking environment if I dedicate years to studying the language in depth with mentors. To write in a language that’s not native to you, you must understand more than just grammar. To be able to transmit your message fully and properly, you must embrace yourself in their culture, lifestyle, history… their way of thinking, their higher consciousness…

This statement comes from my fear of being judged and abandoned by people I admire. Realistically, I don’t care about everyday Joe, but I put too much emphasis and importance on the opinions of people I adore. I idolize them too much, definitely. They are humans like you and me. It’s normal not to be liked. Expressing an opinion will always trigger the side with the opposite point of view. It’s impossible to be liked by everybody. But I could be respected for my values and integrity. In the end, who cars? I shouldn’t take myself too seriously.

This is a lie. I have time. It's on me how I will use it, which task I will prioritize, and where I will devote my focus and consistency.

I don’t want to have pressure when I write. I want my writing to be entirely the product of my devotion to new unexplored insights. I want my creativity to be underlined with a glorious passion for timeless principles, and I want the new knowledge to be the headliner in each essay I write.

I look at beauty as the lodestar to my future exploration and wisdom as my muse to inexhaustible inspiration.

I fear change because it will require me to leave my comfort zone - changing beliefs, habits, and identity. I am going from a business boss babe to an unpaid, unknown content creator slash wanna-be writer.

Should I write publicly and live in alignment with my life task, or neglect my life calling and live miserably by avoiding the pain that comes with discomfort? You guys know the answer.

Our meaning is hidden in answer to the daily challenges life has thrown at us.

Earthly life is one. Live it meaningfully.

Sending hugs and kisses,

Your one and only,

Angela <3